10 Reasons To Not Buy A Tesla — Seriously

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Teslas are all the rage. There are many reasons to buy a Tesla, but there are also two sides to every story, which means there are many reasons to not buy a Tesla.

Below are some super valid reasons to not buy a Tesla — not a Tesla Model 3, not a Tesla Model S, and not a Tesla Model X. (Note: Some reasons apply to individual Tesla models, not the whole lineup, but who’s fussing over details? This is a bothsiderism piece!)

1. Safety not your thing. If you want to make sure you don’t buy one of the three safest cars in the USA, don’t buy a Tesla. They take home all the medals, so as long as you avoid any vehicle branded with Tesla’s sharp & pointy T, you should be fine.

2. You really don’t like quick acceleration. Want to chug and chug and chug up to 60 mph? Like the challenge of merging into traffic with a tractor-like gasmobile? Think fun is overrated? Don’t get a Tesla. (True, you don’t have to drive fast in a Tesla, but the temptation may be too strong.)

3. Semi-autonomous sailing scares you. It’s true — Tesla’s semi-autonomous Autopilot suite can make driving too easy. It takes the fun out of a traffic jam and the aching fatigue out of a long road trip. It can also make you lazy, and the last thing you want is to end up like lazy, loopy, totally unhelpful Elon Musk. (Try to ignore stories like this, which may make you think twice.)

4. Fan of pollution and all the fun side effects. Let’s say you love pollution. Perhaps you got a lot of coal in your stocking as a kid and you just can’t help it. Or maybe you think science is cool and particularly like the cancer-creation process. Perhaps you just think black smoke is pretty. In any case, if you do indeed love pollution, don’t buy a Tesla.

5. Can’t stand supporting an American company. Maybe you just hate Americans, America, and the American flag. Perhaps you want to see the American economy wither and crumble. Whether you’re American or the citizen of some other country, if you would prefer to not support the US economy by boycotting all US company purchases, you certainly should not buy a car from this young Californian & Nevadan company.

6. Like a shake & rumble in your ride. If you love the rumble and shake of a gasoline or diesel engine and thus gasoline or diesel car, think twice before getting a Tesla. You’ll be missing those vibrations every time you go for a drive. There will be an emptiness that ensues, a persistent reminder that you are missing something precious.

7. Fun & games is not your idea of fun & games. Tesla vehicles are serious vehicles, but they are also overflowing with fun & games — easter eggs as the kids call them. If you don’t want anyone turning your car into a Santa sleighJames Bond submarine, or Mars rover, then the best thing to do is not buy a Tesla. If you don’t want a large navigation screen in your vehicle turned into a drawing pad or video game console, then plan ahead and don’t buy a Tesla. Fart sounds, fireside chatspsychedelic highways — they can all be forgotten and ignored as long as you stay out of a Tesla store and off of the Tesla website.

8. Tesla fans be crazy. Word on the street is that Tesla fans are all crazy and are just drinking some seriously strong Kool-Aid. You don’t want to be associated with such people, and definitely don’t want to run the risk of rubbing shoulders with them at a Supercharger and having some of that crazy rub off on you.

9. Tesla is a cult. Aside from being a bit looney, Tesla fans and drivers are also apparently part of one big cult. It’s unclear what they do that’s so horrible and embarrassing, but it’s a cult, so … something shady must be going on.

10. Kids love Teslas. Kids — ugh. Ya know? And, apparently, kids love Teslas. So if you want to make sure you don’t get on the good side of any children, don’t get a Tesla!

So, how did I do? Did I give enough voice to the top reasons to not buy a Tesla? Did I leave any big points out?

If you’re looking to buy a Tesla, appreciate my work, and need a referral code, here you go: http://ts.la/tomasz7234

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Zachary Shahan

Zach is tryin' to help society help itself one word at a time. He spends most of his time here on CleanTechnica as its director, chief editor, and CEO. Zach is recognized globally as an electric vehicle, solar energy, and energy storage expert. He has presented about cleantech at conferences in India, the UAE, Ukraine, Poland, Germany, the Netherlands, the USA, Canada, and Curaçao. Zach has long-term investments in Tesla [TSLA], NIO [NIO], Xpeng [XPEV], Ford [F], ChargePoint [CHPT], Amazon [AMZN], Piedmont Lithium [PLL], Lithium Americas [LAC], Albemarle Corporation [ALB], Nouveau Monde Graphite [NMGRF], Talon Metals [TLOFF], Arclight Clean Transition Corp [ACTC], and Starbucks [SBUX]. But he does not offer (explicitly or implicitly) investment advice of any sort.

Zachary Shahan has 7356 posts and counting. See all posts by Zachary Shahan