This article was inspired by a CleanTechnica commenter who dropped question #1 under a recent CleanTechnica article.
For sure, the ~33 questions below should have been asked on the Tesla financials call last night — these are the really important ones. Now that the commotion is over, perhaps Elon will find some time to answer some of them on Twitter.
(For the record, I was on the call but didn’t get to ask any questions. If I had gotten a question in, I may or may not have asked one of these. 😉 )
Are the 5 billion hamsters getting taken care of properly?
When life gives you Citrons, should you squeeze some shorts?
Do you think you would have a consumer demand problem if you started selling popsicles instead of cars?
It was a pretty dumb idea to start a car company with a ~99% chance of failure, eh? What are you going to do now that that whole idea is bust?
Do you think if someone has been wrong about Tesla for ~10 years, maybe it’s just time to move on and write about something else?
Regarding Tesla’s finances, and on behalf of Wall Street, is math really so hard?
Or I guess more appropriately, why is math so hard?
Since it turns out the critics were right and you can’t mass produce the Model S, can’t mass produce the Model X, and can’t mass produce the Model 3, perhaps you shouldn’t try to produce the Model Y, Tesla Pickup, and Tesla Semi. Do you agree?
Why is making billions of dollars so hard for some people but so easy for you?
We saw pics of you, Grimes, and your boys at a pumpkin patch recently. How important for society do you think it is that photographers go around taking pictures of you doing normal human stuff? Please rate this on a scale from 1 to ridiculous.
On a related note, did you discover the factory floor was so comfortable that you now spend every night there or have you returned to sleeping in your bed at home?
I understand you don’t want to talk about battery costs, but if your automotive battery pack costs are now under $110/kWh, please just don’t say anything. … $100/kWh? … $99/kWh? … $98/kWh? … $97/kWh? …
Back before 2010, did you ever think your company would be running factories in the US and Germany and have a higher market cap than BMW and Ford at just 15 years of age?
Why don’t you retweet every single article we publish on CleanTechnica? Or, at the least, why don’t you retweet every Tesla-related article we publish? Sometimes we are very sad when we put so much time into a super important article and get no love. 🙁
Which early ’90s song do you like more — O.P.P. or Baby Got Back?
In 1991/1992, did you think that the CEO of a large automaker + energy company would link O.P.P. to a boring financial report?
Lemurs or koalas?
Tell us the truth — are all those people who are now driving Tesla Model 3s actually actors you hired to continue an epic Ponzi scheme?
Why is it so painful for some people in the financial press to write a positive article about Tesla? Do you think it’s a heart problem?
Naturally, Model Y won’t have much consumer demand, won’t be possible to produce in high volumes, will have panel gaps the size of monster trucks, and will make buyers supremely unhappy and bitter, but do you think you could sell more than 20,000 a year? (We hear that’s the approximate sales target of some “Tesla killers.”)
Also, will the back seats of the Model Y fold flat and will it have at least 12 cupholders?
And this one has really been bugging me for a while: why didn’t you name it Model IEST instead of Model Y?
We understand that you must have cheated somehow to get such a shocking NHTSA safety score for the Model 3. Did your team hack into the testing machines?
Okay, just admit it — you bribed the NHTSA and George Soros was involved.
If we were living different lives and I was a frog and you were a lily pad, would you mind if I jumped on you?
I feel like this question hasn’t been asked enough — when will Tesla have another capital raise?
Why are you so into dank memes? And what the hell does dank mean?
Can we just send you dark memes instead?
Has Twitter become more or less fun after the SEC pulled a super douche move on you?
Mars is neat, but wouldn’t Pluto be a cooler target?
How many Model Ys will fit in the back of a Tesla Pickup?
Why is love > hate?
To be slightly more serious, we did have questions about expansion plans for European service centers and stores, V3 Supercharging, the European gigafactory, and a few more things. Looks like we’ll just have to wait for some tweets from Elon, leaks and spy shots from Tesla fans, or official updates from Tesla to get answers to our questions about those matters.
See more Morning Monkey Business articles for more fun.
Don't want to miss a cleantech story? Sign up for daily news updates from CleanTechnica on email. Or follow us on Google News!
Have a tip for CleanTechnica, want to advertise, or want to suggest a guest for our CleanTech Talk podcast? Contact us here.