Published on December 1st, 2019 | by Zachary Shahan0
10 “Auto Industry Execs” Comment On Tesla Cybertruck — CleanTechnica “Exclusive”
December 1st, 2019 by Zachary Shahan
To try to get a better understanding of industry thoughts and responses to the Tesla Cybertruck, CleanTechnica spoke with 10 top executives in the pickup truck world. Below are their responses.
Jimmy Trupolute, CEO of Trucks Rock Coalition, responded without much concern and exuding gigaliters of confidence: “I’ve talked to my colleagues in the Trucks Rock Coalition and we all agree there is no need to do anything in response. Business as usual is the best approach, as usual. Appealing to sci-fi nerds is not in our scope of work and doesn’t need to be. Cybertruck will come and go with more of a whimper than a bang. The specs are only speculative and we don’t believe Tesla can meet them at the costs indicated. Actually, we’re comfortable waiting to see if Tesla can mass produce the truck at all, since our collective experience indicates that’s a no-can-do and 200,000 naive pre-ordering souls will soon realize that and be looking elsewhere — to us — to get their truck needs satisfied. Check back in again in 2021 or 2022 and you’ll find us grinning with big fat cigars in our mouths. You can’t disrupt with dreams, and you shouldn’t drop specs you can’t deliver!”
The CEO of BustaNut Trucks, Biff McBarra, told us: “Real mean drink diesel for breakfast. It’s in their veins. You can take the truck out of the monster, but you can’t take the monster out of the truck — or else no one will buy it.” Also, somewhat ironically, President of BustaNut Trucks Lucy “Lark” Leuss, stated: “Trix are for kids, and trucks are shiny and polished because real men like trucks that are shiny and polished. The Cybertruck doesn’t have all the features truck buyers want — diesel exhausts for rolling coal, shiny blue and red color options, normal door handles, SuperDuty cupholders. While Silicon Valley is good at cyber, we’re good at horsepower and princess wagon towing. We haven’t had any customers come and ask us for self-driving software, Netflix, or a solar panel tonneau. We’re not worried about this sissy girl stuff!”
The VP of Marketing at Turdola Trucks, Chris Crayola, responded to a general request for commentary on the Tesla Cybertruck by telling CleanTechnica that plywood, rocks, and bags of feces-manure are easier to load into the back of normal pickup trucks. Most importantly, it’s easier to make commercials featuring a flannel and a real-life version of the Brawny faux outdoorsy guy if the truck is colorful.
Bord CEO Frances McDormand said, “Bring it on! Just kidding. Haha. No, it’s a nice effort at industrial design and Star Wars paraphernalia, but we’re not concerned in the least. We don’t see it as a competitor to our award-winning, record-holding PowerTruck 1970 or PowerPowerTruck 2010. We expect very little crossover interest from our customers, who tend to be extremely loyal to Bord, and we are confident they wouldn’t even give the Cybertruck a second thought. It’s just too girly for their man muscles.”
Chesty Trucks President of Automotive Sales Bob Hanks indicated that he didn’t think the Cybertrunk was buildable, and questioned if it wasn’t part of a broad multi-decade pump & dump stock-trading scheme. Hanks told CleanTechnica, “I’m sorry, but you simply cannot mass produce stainless steel, and there is no machine on earth — and never will be one — that can produce that ‘exoskeleton,’ which appears to be something Elon Musk sketched while on a Moonhopper flight. To be honest, approximately 50% of the components of the Cybertruck have never been seen before, cannot be produced in this world’s current laws of physics, and appear to have been lifted from a video game toolbox.” Asked about sales forecasts for the company’s Pillorado in light of the new offering, Hanks indicated that they don’t expect any effect at all. (However, if Pillorado sales do tank, Chesty Trucks is screwed because they’ve ignored all indication of an electric future and don’t have a competitor of any sort prepped to go toe to toe with the robotruck.)
VP of Product Design at Le Land Luiser, Timothy Scott, had a somewhat shocking and then totally weird response: “Tesla Cybertruck? Never heard of it. Haven’t seen anything about it. No idea what you’re talking about. The only thing — [mysteriously sprints in the other direction].”
An anonymous Dam Trucks executive told CleanTechnica: “Completely off the record, I’m currently in the process of applying for a job at Tesla. My company is basically dead. This shit sucks. Hopefully Tesla will hire me, but I honestly don’t have anything useful to offer them. If this option falls through, I may become a truck blogger on some shitty site like CleanTechnica or do a season of Dancing with the Stars.”
Dummer CEO Dommy Dumphuk responded to our questions by asking questions in return. Mr. Dumphuk asked, “But where do you go for oil changes if Tesla has no dealers? And what if a bumper falls off — what’s the cost of repair? Also, can it be painted yellow? We hear it can’t. Why can’t you test drive one today? Is it a real vehicle, or is it a Kool-Aid-powered vaportruck that is only meant to inflate Tesla’s stock price for a couple more years until the whole house of cards collapses in insane fashion? Plus, who’s ever heard of an electronic vehicle that can drive in rain?”
True South Auto VP of Engineering Chris McPaine indicated that the company applauded Tesla’s leadership in this field, but that his company was ready to demolish the Cybertruck on a local race track as soon as an actual human buyer can get one. We’ll have to remember that promise so that we can host the potentially epic race.
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