Published on April 1st, 2019 | by Steve Hanley0
Trump Visits CleanTechnica World Headquarters, Embraces Renewable Energy
April 1st, 2019 by Steve Hanley
It is traditional on the last day of March for the entire staff of CleanTechnica to assemble in the luxurious solarium and seance center on the 27th floor of our world headquarters. It’s our chance to celebrate another year of being the recognized leader in the campaign to rid the world of the scourge of fossil fuels.
As usual, executive editor Zachary Shahan assembled a sumptuous repast of exotic foods made from soy fortified with insect protein. We had just raised our glasses of sparkling cider made from organically grown apples when a motorcade pulled up in the forecourt and out stepped Donald Q. Tromp himself, potentate extraordinaire and master of all he surveyed. He said he had an important message he wanted to share with us.
In the presentation that followed, Tromp amazed us with his candor. You could say he really let his hair down. In fact, he removed it entirely, revealing that the pile of fur that normally sat on top of his head was actually his favorite cat, an orange tiger named Morris. Underneath, he was completely bald, except for a few graying tufts around his ears.
Tromp asked if we minded if he got comfortable, and of course we encouraged our unexpected guest to do so. He pulled a cord hidden inside the lining of the gold lamé suit he purchased from the Liberace estate and his outer garments fell away, revealing a 98 pound weakling underneath. When he did so, we could clearly see the disguise he always uses in public was nothing more than the fat suit Mike Myers wore when he played the part of Fat Bastard in The Spy Who Shagged Me.
Once he was comfortable, the Donald told us he was a big fan of CleanTechnica and a huge supporter of clean energy and electric transportation. “You know,” he said with a wink, “I only talk like that in public because it gets my base all fired up so they will re-elect me in 2020. I really don’t believe in all that hooey you hear me say all the time. In fact, I just had Micheal Mann, James Hansen, and Bill McKibben to dinner to talked about how we can get the world to stop using fossil fuels.”
Naturally, we were stunned to hear the man we thought was a puppet controlled by handlers from the American Petroleum Institute speak so candidly. “If that is so, why do you insist on putting fossil fuel lobbyists into key positions in your administration?” Zachary asked.
“It’s simple,” Tromp said. “I’m like a magician. I use those guys to distract the public so I can get the hard work of reducing carbon emissions done without those who watch Faux News knowing what I’m doing. I want to present my master plan to the world as a fait accompli the day I turn the White House over to my good friend Bernie Sanders and vice-president Greta Thunberg.”
So there you have it. The whole Tromp presidency is just an act, a charade designed to give 45 time to build a foundation for the the energy transition that will save the world from becoming a lifeless cinder floating endlessly through space.
He left us then, after grabbing a few canapés for the road, and climbed in through the falcon wing doors of his presidential limousine for the ride back to Mirror-El-Largo. But we heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight, “Zero carbon for all. Everything will be alright!”