Elon Musk Wrestled A Gorilla & Did MMA On Robots In Fremont Factory … Or Not
Lordy, Lordy, Lordy. This edition of “Morning Monkey Business” wrote itself. After the fun, be sure to read some serious words underneath it all*.
Tesla CEO & Chairman Elon Musk is a wild man, a mad scientist who has lost his marbles, a gorilla ape gazillionaire who has brilliantly brainwashed the masses, a South African clone of Conor McGregor. Not only does he call idiotic, repetitive questions that imply he’s a liar “boneheaded questions,” but he also kickboxes and tries to body slam robots. That’s right, when one of his superhero-named robots starts acting up, he pulls out the boxing gloves & kneepads and he takes a cracking to their metal heads and shinbones.
Or not.
Additionally, to show the brawny factory workers who’s boss — him or JB — Elon sometimes brings a real live gorilla into the factory and engages in an official wrestling match with him. No yellow tape, but a real wrestling referee. Remember, Elon is a big dude, but gorillas are gorillas. Sometimes Elon uses his clever brain to outsmart the gorilla, but more often than not, Elon ends up quite bruised and confused — and he sometimes acts recklessly and head-butts cars afterward.
Or not.
It’s not all aggression, though. The non-alpha crazy stuff Elon has reportedly done in the factory might be even loonier. Reportedly, he drinks coffee with ginormous straws out of mop buckets, he has a big swing set on site and likes to swing on his belly with his legs up behind him as he watches the factory workers do their thing, and he sticks dozens of hamsters in the sleeping bag he uses to sleep in his office. Sometimes, he also likes to put his sleeping bag on a moving conveyor belt. At the end of a 15 minute ride, he is dropped on the floor, which wakes him up to get him back to work for maximum productivity.
Or not.
There’s also word I’m getting from a source of a source of a source familiar with Business Insider‘s superb, Grammy-award-winning work that Elon has developed an obsession with bitcoin and ETH. Just about any time anyone says something to Elon, after a short response, he starts telling them about a bitcoin and ETH giveaway he’s hosting. He’s constantly promising that he’s going to give away treasure chests of bitcoin and ETH, but then he never delivers. So typical, but it is starting to wear out employees. In the lunchroom they joke, “Hey, dude, I’ll trade you some bitcoin and ETH for your sandwich and juice.”
Or not.
Okay, that was all fun & games, but here’s the most wild one of all. This is the really disturbing one. Apparently, a Tesla whistleblower who was fired for breaking robots and teaching them how to kick-box, has proof that Elon Musk has completely lost his marbles and now thinks he’s actually a drug dealer, not a tech billionaire running Tesla, SpaceX, and The Boring Company. He wanders the halls of the Fremont factory and Gigafactory and tries to slyly sell factory workers Ambien. He tells them he’s the kingpin of Ambien in this region and is also attempting to take over the world. Sometimes, he threatens the line workers by telling them he’s going to make all of them unionize if they don’t buy his Ambien. Reportedly, there are lawsuits pending from workers, TSLA shorts, the SEC, the EPA, the CIA, and the Smurf Mafia (don’t ask).
Or not.
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Oh, and Model 3 production has been stalled for a full week, but it doesn’t really matter since no one wants to buy the car anyway — demand is falling off a cliff after all of the horrible reviews of the slow, low-tech, boring car. Yikes. Things are not looking good down in Teslongville.
Got another tip for us about some crazy-wicked-whack stuff Elon’s been doing (or not)? Send an email to shittyreportergivingthepressabadname@cleantechnica.com
More “Morning Monkey Business” articles:
THOUSANDS Of Cars Sitting On Lots Unsold!!
Bumper Cars, Flying Games, In-Motion Naptime — Things Your Tesla Isn’t Meant For (7 Videos)
*I had to read a couple of pieces about the “Elon head-butting cars” story to make sure I wasn’t being punked when I read the first one. Why was I in disbelief? Because the articles about the incident seemed to illogically sensationalize something completely unsensational. They made it sound like Tesla CEO & Chairman Elon Musk had turned into a batshit crazy rabid war criminal.
The dude was upset that so much time was apparently being wasted by machinery that was stopping anytime a human got too close. He likes to have fun and be humorous, so he made his point and apparently expressed his frustration by demonstrating how not dangerous a slowly moving car was on the production line. He reportedly tapped his head (helmet on and all) against the car to demonstrate how un-dangerous it was. The articles I read made it sound like he went wild and might have collected brain damage along the way. Ugh.
Consider for a moment: if his point was to show how not dangerous the production line was, do you think he would have seriously head-butted the car or do you think he would have made a joke about how harmless a tap to the helmet is? Clear enough, no? But that doesn’t fit the popular new narrative of Elon being a mad scientist monster — so just sensationalize it a bit and pull in more gasps and finger wagging.
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