If you’re a thinking person, you know that the USA was once a wonderful utopia of happiness, economic prosperity, equality, and a tremendously high quality of life — maybe 30 years or so ago, maybe 40 or 50, maybe 100. I don’t know when, but I do know one thing — it was once a paradise like you can’t even imagine today.
Luckily, we now have a majority of people in control of Congress and the White House who have the bravery and foresight to bring us back to that time. They have the potential to bring us back to our homeland, back to our glory days, back to our loved and youthful mirage of an identity.
Let’s run down some of the wonderful things these altruistic societal servants and saints can do if they try.
Clearly, not everybody should have health care. That would make no sense. That would make the US just as bad as every other developed nation. No, the US should be unique, special, more “free.” Luckily, poor people don’t want health insurance … (unless the government makes it more affordable). Luckily, as long as we raise insurance prices again and push them off of insurance plans, they will contently live protection-free again and no longer have to shoulder the burden of safety that you get when your health needs are finally covered by insurance companies.
It wasn’t that long ago that tens of millions of Americans didn’t have health insurance. They were able to get horrible sicknesses and go bankrupt from the medical bills if they so chose. That’s what many Americans were hoping for, dreaming about, working 60-hour weeks to achieve. Then … evil Kenyan Obama came and took that all away from those poor, helpless, insurance-unbogged people.
Now that real Americans are back in the White House and controlling Congress — Americans whose ancestors lived on this land for thousands of years — these real Americans can emancipate their fellow sad and angry Americans and give them a nudge off of the insurance plans that torment them. Yes, we can now go back to that wonderful period of time before tens of millions of Americans gained health insurance. If the GOP so choose.
Unfortunately, we made a very wrong turn somewhere along the way. Instead of deeply respecting and appreciating the amazing life-shortening capabilities of coal, oil, and gas, we started dreaming about the temptations of solar energy and wind energy. What a sad state of affairs! What a mistake! What a folly! You can’t touch sunshine or wind. Sunshine and wind are not real American energy sources. Sunshine and wind are not true patriots.
Sunshine and wind should never have been allowed into the energy system. They are a disgrace to the whole idea of energy — which should be synonymous with pollution, smoke, and haze. Energy should hasten death, and only polluting energy sources can really deliver on that front.
Unfortunately, even Republicans were fooled for decades by the mirage of clean energy. Even Republicans thought clean air was a good thing, pollution from power plants and factories should be limited, and the US government should step in to make this happen. Even Republicans supported the non-innocuous, offensive concept that power plants should have to either capture more of the pollution they spew out or shut down.
But now … but now … we have true thinkers. We have true independents who are not willing to let their lizard-minded assumptions be refuted by science. They are unwilling to be assaulted by the incessant fact-based onslaught of so-called “scientists.” They figured it out long ago — scientists are all scammers, all pulling a hoax on someone. They are not trustworthy casino owners and global real estate tycoons like Donald Trump. They are not principled and moralistic men like Sir Steve “the destroyer of good things” Bannon. Scientists are the problem. Scientists are the criminals. Scientists are the fraudsters. And we finally have bullies willing to stand up and not be pushed around by these overly emotional scientists.
Naturally, hundreds of thousands of wind energy jobs and hundreds of thousands of solar energy jobs are not real jobs. These are fake people. These are fake jobs. Fake people reading fake news and voting for fake Americans to run a fake democracy.
Indeed, these jobs do not matter, because they are using Lincoln-earned American money to create fake energy from the sun and wind. Don’t you know — the sun doesn’t always shine and the wind doesn’t always blow!
There may now be fewer coal jobs or fewer oil & gas jobs than renewable energy jobs, but at least those jobs are for real men with real hair on their chests and real breathing problems from the ancient fossils they’ve pulled out of the ground and set on fire like pyromaniacs. At least they will get real cancer instead of the nonsense crap that solar installers and wind turbine technicians have to live with — whatever it is, I don’t know, but it must be something.
Our current Congressional Republicans and the president of the United States have the heart to do what is right — they have the heart to stop making pollution a problem, to stop making it illegal, and to instead pull the plug on the nation’s fast-growing renewable energy industries. They have the sense to kneecap US competitiveness in the fast-transforming global energy landscape. The rest of the world can make a huge mistake by moving forward, but the US will bravely move backward thanks to the backwardship of Donald J. Trump and Republicans in Congress.
If tens of thousands of specialized scientists around the world come to a single, unified conclusion, you know dang as heck right that must be a scam. With vast scale and geographic breadth, you can also presume it’s a Chinese scam.
Luckily, the good American critical thinkers and researchers who make the country tick had the common sense to elect Congressional lawyers-turned-sellouts from a small group of birthers and flat-earthers at the top of the Republican Party. Luckily, these lawmakers have used their exceptional detective skills to discover the conspiracy — to discover that climate scientist claims from Denmark, Norway, the USA, Australia, India, China, Japan, Chile, Argentina, etc., are all the same because it is one big order from the head of the People’s Republic of China.
No, we will not give in. Thanks to our leadership in Congress and the White House, we can now go back to a comfier, more enjoyable, more relaxing, more peaceful time when there was no concern that carbon dioxide from burning fossil fuels would create a so-called “greenhouse” out of our atmosphere. We no longer have to worry about the Earth heating up like an oven, because we can just fire, shame, and nullify the fake Americans at NASA, NOAA, the EPA, and the DOE who have any connection to phony climate “science.” If they were true moral scientists, they’d live in a gold-plated penthouse in Manhattan, don’t you know? Come on, look at all the grant money they can get to live such a scandalous and lavish life. That’s all they are chasing — the grant money, the booze, the loose ladies on grant-pushing University Mafia street!
Screw the evil scientists. Put the benevolent oil & gas billionaires and millionaires in charge of protecting us from pollution. They know pollution best. They know what’s good for us.
Cars should stink. Cars should rattle. Cars should bellow black smoke. That’s how cars were back in the day, back in the good old days, back when the air was full of minerals and the buildings were uniformly black thanks to autonomous painters known as the “tailpipes” cars, not to mention the perfume-providing factories and power plants of every good city or town.
That’s when America was great — back when cars could kill a butterfly who got too close to the emissions tailpipe.
The last thing we should be doing is requiring that automakers use on-the-market, cost-competitive, mature technologies to further cut artistic pollution. The last the we should do is require that automakers make any progress on how efficiently they use gasoline. After all, the more gas we burn, the better we all are in our make-believe Disney World lives.
The more gas we burn, the more wars we get to fight, the more field trips to the hospital we get to take, and the more outrageous our national deficit balloons in order to militarize half the world. The more gas we burn, the more senility we get to enjoy, from the White House on down.
There’s government failure, and then there’s letting corporations run the government — or just regulate themselves. There’s government failure, and then there’s undoing decades of laws that were put into place to make automakers change from the heavy, inefficient pollution producers they built 50 years ago to the annoyingly modern, safe, and clean cars of today.
First of all, progress needs to be stopped — cars need to stop getting more efficient ASAP. If we can go further than that, we should make automakers return to the beautiful, iconic, irreplaceable gems that Al Capone, Richard Nixon, and Charlie Chaplin used to drive around in. That would be amazing. That would be great. That would be returning America to its true glory.
While we’re at it, we really shouldn’t stop at health care, energy, climate science, and cars. We should kick to the curb these annoying new phones with their constant flashing and sounds. We should bring back those good old tools of simplistic design that we used in the great old days. The best phones in the world. The best stage of telephone development.
If we are going to make America great again, we have to get rid of these fake talking toys and get back to the telephonic tools of real talking. Make America real, make America great, make Americans put their cell phones in the trash so they can be emancipated from their modern mental slavery to their brain-sucking phones.
The root problems of phones, of course, are the computers in them and that preceded them. If we want to get to the root of the problem, we need to get rid of computers.
Think about it — no Teletubbies on telephones, no Facebook notifications interfering with your freakin’ dinner, no need to order a taxi with your phone, no need (or even ability) to send your friend a message at the time of your departure or arrival. You can leave all that off the table by mandating that progress on computer technology revert back to the year when America was great.
Making America “Great” Again
If we are going to make America great again, we should be thorough:
→ We should revert to more expensive and less accessible health care.
→ We should let giant power plants and factories finally poison our air without meddling government interference.
→ We should ban evil scientists from our government, from our society, from our nightmares about the scientific method getting out of control. We should replace them with industry billionaires, millionaires, and stooges. We should replace them with paid liars, undercover clowns, and morally stunted cons in suits. That’ll teach those evil scientists.
→ We should let automakers sell tanks and 1950s steel- & smoke-mobiles so that we can enjoy our accidents more deeply, admire our smog more intimately, and experience the sweet joys of cancer at a younger, more tender age.
→ We should ban the human-stalking phones and computers that have ruined our lives, ruined our American society, and ruined our human decency. We should revert to the great phones and computers of the glory days. We should revert to the wonderful simplicity of not having any information, entertainment, or communication mechanisms at your fingertips.
It’s all the fault of progress. If only nothing would have changed, the USA would have been like the Roman Empire — a beautiful powerhouse that could never be questioned, never be wrong, and never collapse under its own decadent consumption and intellectual complacency.
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