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Fossil Fuels

Groundbreaking New Oil Extraction Method Based On High-Performance Drilling

A big breakthrough in America’s quest towards energy independence was recently made, following the discovery of huge untapped reserves of fossil fuels in the country. With the discovery of the new — easily recoverable and highly economical — reserves, experts are predicting continuing strong job growth, falling gas prices, and a surge in the overall economy.

The discovery of the new reserves is also expected to have a positive effect on the upcoming 2016 presidential campaigns of the Clinton and Bush dynasties.

Oil gas station the onion


Here’s more (coming to us via “America’s Finest News Source”):

IRVING, TX — Hailing it as a rapidly replenishable and easily accessible fuel source, ExxonMobil revealed a lucrative new oil extraction method Friday that involves drilling directly into gas stations.

“We’ve found nearly unlimited reserves of highly refined petroleum mere meters beneath thousands of service stations across the country,” said ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson, noting that the company had already erected oil extraction rigs alongside pump islands in all 50 states. “As I speak, we’re yielding 3 million barrels per day just by boring through a few thin layers of asphalt, concrete, and metal. And, amazingly enough, the supply seems to somehow refill itself every week.”

Tillerson went on to say that the company was exploring the possibility that there were still massive untapped sources of oil already in Americans’ cars, as well as in their homes.

For those who haven’t realized yet, this news item is satire, coming to us via the always venerable The Onion, which has managed to perfectly hit the mark, as far as I’m concerned, with regard to the untapped “oceans of oil” in the US.

Happy early April Fools’ Day. The US still has limited (and diminishing) fossil fuel reserves, peak oil is still a reality (as are many other approaching resource extraction peaks), climate change and its associated global social effects are still providing a looming sense of catastrophe (does anyone else feel like it’s 1913?), many of the last remaining megafauna animals of the world are still on the brink of extinction, California is still in drought, and the American political system is still highly dysfunctional. And based on the view from the ground, I’d say that we’re still in the same recession that we’ve been in since 2008. I look forward to the 2016 elections with a mixture of curiosity and irritation.

Have a nice day.

Image Credit: The Onion

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Written By

James Ayre's background is predominantly in geopolitics and history, but he has an obsessive interest in pretty much everything. After an early life spent in the Imperial Free City of Dortmund, James followed the river Ruhr to Cofbuokheim, where he attended the University of Astnide. And where he also briefly considered entering the coal mining business. He currently writes for a living, on a broad variety of subjects, ranging from science, to politics, to military history, to renewable energy.


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