Future News — Dateline February 14th, 2030
… with anchor Jane Curtin III
Tonight’s top story…
The last automobile powered by an internal combustion engine was sent to the salvage yard today. We will have film at 11:00pm showing a 1959 Cadillac Eldorado convertible being towed into Monster Joe’s Truck & Tow in Los Angeles, California. The car had been hidden in the bunker of a decommissioned Air Force Base ever since President Trump signed into law a bill confiscating all gasoline-powered vehicles from citizens during his third term in office. It is rumored the owner of the Cadillac was still in the driver’s seat when the vehicle was crushed, as the driver’s cold dead hands could not be pried from the steering wheel.
As most know, Trump was transformed into a clean-air maven after slipping in the Presidential shower and hitting his head on the Presidential bubble-bath dispenser in 2020. The success of his subsequent plans to sustainablize the planet and rebuild America’s infrastructure with solar-powered buildings, continuous-charge roadbeds, and a network of hyperloops running adjacent to the Interstate Highway System gave rise to a grassroots movement to amend the constitution to allow an unlimited term for US presidents with orange hair.
In other news…
Four underage children that hacked a Tesla Model T pickup truck have been rescued from the deep Nevada desert unharmed. The children were somehow able to hack the unhackable Gen 9 autopilot system to route them through an area of the desert placed off limits to all Tesla ground vehicles ever since it was learned that Graboids (from the movie Tremors) actually exist.
The most likely target of the energy-hungry abominations is the underside of the car, where the creatures emerge from underground and rip the battery array from its moorings. It is believed the Graboids are powering their civilization with Tesla power packs. Others believe the battery-snatching creatures are smuggled worms from the planet Dune under the control of displaced GM executives.
The stolen pickup was spotted by the camera of a Tesla LEO V2 satellite which easily recognized the errant car through the crystal clean atmosphere. A Tesla Model H LectroCopter was dispatched to lift the vehicle and its occupants out of harm’s way.
No further action was taken against the Graboids, as the authorities consider them to be a minor threat compared to that posed by the inter-planetary Martians raiders also harvesting the battery packs.
Stay tuned now for Point/Counterpoint when we return from commercial. Tonight Dan and Jane will debate over Elon Musk’s controversial plan to graft electric wheels onto the feet of newborns.
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