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The Day The Tesla CPO Music Died

tl;dr (or simply got confused): jump straight to the block quote toward the end.

Once upon a time, in the kingdom of Teslandia, millions of Tesla minions exploded with joy. For, Sir Elon “wears a lot of hats” Musk had announced a backdoor to the Model S candy shop, where shiny, bright-colored Teslas could be had at a big discount. Granted, they may have been licked before, probably even sneezed on, but they were shiny and hugely desired nonetheless.

Tesla Fremont factory parking Model X P90DOne day, the knights of the kingdom of Teslandia brought in many more crowds of Tesla minions when they plastered a poster on the outside wall that announced all of the specific, previously-licked flavors and shapes of candy that were available through this backdoor entrance. It was exhilarating. There was more jumping for joy. There was much fun to be had.

The posters were regularly updated, but they weren’t perfect, so red minions with creative minds and adept fingers created nifty pamphlets where you could quickly search by color, location, size of the juicy interior filling, Autoconsume (don’t ask), and whether or not the were Ludicrous enough for your grandkids (again, don’t ask).

One red minion created a special app for your mKaayPhone where you could do said searching.

Alas, the candy still wasn’t for the peasants. It still cost more than a bucket of bananas. But prices were slowly dropping as time dripped away, and one could even debate what was a better option for those hard-earned banana chips: getting a large piece of licked candy or getting a shiny new piece of candy a couple years later that was a bit smaller but was sure to have glitter on it.

red minions candy CPORed minions were standing outside the backdoor of the candyshop ogling the poster people as they slowly replaced poster after poster, pushing and shoving to try to get the best licked candy you could imagine. Some were lucky, even surprisingly lucky, finding candy that could fly into the mouth at 88 mph. Some were not so lucky, and waited for their turn.

But little did we know, dark clouds were rolling in. And it began to rain. Soon, we could no longer see the candy listings (be sure to change the tab to only “pre-owned”). This was the day the CPO music died.

There was panic among the red minions. Many ran over to minion magic men (for example, at CleanMinionica, which told tales about nearly everything the red candyman did), asking for an answer. Why had it rained? What happened to the music? Is all the licked candy gone? What about the blue ones? And the ancient browns & greens? WOuld the posters be ruined forever, or would the sun shine again on the backdoor of the Teslandia candyshop?

brown delicious minion candy

The best red minion candy color of all…


Indeed, even minion magic men were confused. They had never seen anything like this. They reached out to their fellow magic men in other lands, even magical flying dogs from The Neverending Red Minion Story who they thought had seen and heard of everything. No answers. Well… a few fanciful answers that could not be confirmed and could not be shared.

red minions candyshopBut then one day, a simple red minion did the unspeakable. She or he or it simply went up to one of the knights of the kingdom of Teslandia and asked what happened to all the previously licked candy. This “Maksidaa” relates the key bit of information you have been aching for:

I called Tesla directly and asked for the CPO rep for my area. He has been extremely helpful, and there are plenty of CPOs to choose from currently, and depending on what you are looking for there are some great deals out there. (PM me and I’ll send you the info for the 2 CPO reps I’ve spoken to, they were both very helpful).

I spoke with a showroom rep last week and asked about the situation with the CPO site and why they weren’t listing all there cars the CPO reps were emailing me. He said that previously there were a lot of cars being used as loaners that were also listed on the CPO site. Then, when a buyer put down a deposit, the local Tesla people would have to track down the loaner while it was being driven by a Model S or Model X owner and give them a loaner for the newly purchased loaner. It was a big hassle, so they pulled all the used CPOs and are working on improving the system.

TL;DR There are lots of great CPOs available, find out who your local CPO rep is and call them.

Ah, the mystery has been solved: you just have to ask your local red minion knight for some licked candy.

But don’t tweet that to Sir Elon “wears a lot of hats” Musk. He is too busy with rockets and rainbows and production of a nearly endless supply of fresh candy for such simple banter.

Photos by overenthusiastic peasant minions ScottZach, & red fox Kyle | CleanTechnica (CC BY-SA 4.0), via

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Written By

Zach is tryin' to help society help itself one word at a time. He spends most of his time here on CleanTechnica as its director, chief editor, and CEO. Zach is recognized globally as an electric vehicle, solar energy, and energy storage expert. He has presented about cleantech at conferences in India, the UAE, Ukraine, Poland, Germany, the Netherlands, the USA, Canada, and Curaçao. Zach has long-term investments in Tesla [TSLA], NIO [NIO], Xpeng [XPEV], Ford [F], ChargePoint [CHPT], Amazon [AMZN], Piedmont Lithium [PLL], Lithium Americas [LAC], Albemarle Corporation [ALB], Nouveau Monde Graphite [NMGRF], Talon Metals [TLOFF], Arclight Clean Transition Corp [ACTC], and Starbucks [SBUX]. But he does not offer (explicitly or implicitly) investment advice of any sort.


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