Published on May 6th, 2014 | by Christopher DeMorro


Tesla Haters In Tinfoil Hats

May 6th, 2014 by  

Originally published on Gas2.


There are lot of Tesla detractors out there (mostly employed by car dealers), but the writer of this paranoia-filled flyer took it to the next level. Among the many baseless accusations leveled against Tesla Motors are incidents of “anal itching” caused by vibrating seats and collusion with organized crime.

That’s honestly just the tip of this paranoia-dipped letter that’s also been laced with delusion and served alongside a hearty helping of Bad English (my favorite language, personally). Tesla is the primary target of this ramblings, with the writer accusing Elon Musk of patenting murder machines and colluding with the U.S. government in a bid to spy on the world. But the letter also takes aim at Google, Sen. Dianne Feinstein, and those dastardly, exploding lithium-ion batteries.

Or something.

It’s a real piece of work, this flyer, and apparently it’s being handed out to Google employees and Tesla owners alike in a bid to get them to return their electric cars and demand a refund. Don’t take my word for it though. Here are a few of the more damning quotes.

Tesla investors urged the Afghan invasion to get the lithium for the batteries in Tesla and the indium for Solynda and create a Silicon Valley VC Lithium monopoly to make a trillion $$ profit for themselves. So you are supporting a war if you drive a Tesla.

Tesla didn’t even exist when the U.S. invaded Afghanistan…

Tesla has multiple lawsuits currently filed against it for multiple deaths of bystanders, fraud. lemon law violations, and stock fraud. By diving a Tesla you are saying you have no morals.

Uh huh…

Tesla’s patent filings and now disclosed, internal documents say their batteries can kill and damage yet they went forward in order to profit off of Lithium Ion ore.

You don’t say?

Google, the worlds largest surveillance company, is a silent partner in Tesla. Tesla audio and location tracking can be remotely monitored with two clicks of a mouse. Google hushes up bad news about Tesla. By driving a Tesla you are supporting spying.

Google and Tesla, partners in crime?

Relative to the nurrber of cars sold, why has Tesla had so many Tesla drunk driver related crashes, deaths and Why are Tesla drivers killing innocent pedestrians simply because the Tesla’s ‘smell bad’.? Psychographic, demographic and marketing studies have been published showing that Tesla drivers have a higher-than average inclination towards drugs, strange sexual behavior and risk. Could this account for the number of Tesla crashes and deaths? Read the detailed evidence in the many lawsuits filed.

The Tesla Model S, a modern day Pinto? Naturally though, I saved the best for last.

Over 150 defects and problems per model about the Tesla have been documented on user-forums and in the press including: ‘Doors lock you in and out Bad if car on fire!’; ‘George Clooney Rips Tesla: Why Am I Always Stuck On The Side Of The F’cklng Road?’; ‘Tesla ‘Satisfaction’ survey authored by it’s own investors/fanboys; ‘Tesla seat vibration causes Anal ltching!’; ‘VAMPIRE POWER DEFECT slams entire Tesla Model S fleet”; ‘Numerous defects documented by owners online.’

And there you have it folks. What more could I possibly add to this conversation? Not a whole lot, but if you’re so inclined, you can read the whole rambling mess for yourself.


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About the Author

A writer and gearhead who loves all things automotive, from hybrids to HEMIs, can be found wrenching or writing- or else, he's running, because he's one of those crazy people who gets enjoyment from running insane distances.

  • Bob Fearn

    It would be helpful if the contact info for the author of this rant was provided.

    • Bob_Wallace

      You could go to Gas2 and find where to send your spew(?).

  • Others

    A company called Rand said that Hummer-H2 is more fuel efficient than Prius 10 years ago. They used all bogus numbers saying that Prius will last only 100,000 miles because of its battery.

    See where Prius stands and Hummer sleeps.
    Tesla will win, now BMW i3 is joining in a big way. All this will decrease the price of battery and make EVs cheaper.

  • Tom G.

    Funny for sure. Some people however believe this stuff.

  • As humorous as this article is I find a parallel to the fossil fuel industry as a whole. If established car dealers who perceive Tesla to be a threat to their profits sink to making up lies in an attempt to discredit their “opponent” the fossil fuel industry does the same where “alternative sources of energy” are involved. It speaks poorly for humans in general and vested interests in particular. Sad really, if you think about it.

  • Pat Campbell

    Looks like a good start on a new California cult…

  • Rick Kargaard

    I think some one is being mocked and it just might be you.

  • Gwennedd

    Oooh fun!! Here comes a juicy lawsuit( rubs hands together)! I’m all for freedom of expression but not lies and slander.

  • A Real Libertarian

    Tesla investors urged the Afghan invasion

    Tesla did 9/11!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Benjamin Nead

    I replied to an earlier article here on Cleantechnica the other day regarding the crazy Tesla fliers in San Francisco . . .

    . . . but I had to squint my eyes to read it the attached document. What I missed over there (among other things) was the quote about the “lithium ion ore” This IS truly fringe!

    • mike_dyke

      In case you don’t know, most browsers support + and – as zoom in and zoom out. Makes spotting the errors easier!

  • Well that was entertaining. I was going to ask why someone would honor this rambling bullshit by writing an article about it, but it was entertaining enough to justify perpetuating it.

  • Ross

    Batshit crazy. Fun read.

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